One of the many gifts from the Brainwave presentation is the way that information about the rapidly developing brain of young children can help parents to view their children a different way. This is often true of those parenting toddlers.
Increased understanding of development can lead to more reasonable expectations of behaviour, which – when coupled with some new techniques or language to try – can lead to remarkable changes in day to day interactions. Over time, these interactions can impact not only the parent/child relationship, but a child’s sense of self, even their development of self-regulation.
An understanding of some basic brain development and a realisation that a toddler’s brain is incomplete is a great start, and Bruce Perry’s neurosequential model is a revelation for many. With this, Dr. Perry offers a tool for understanding the hierarchical nature of brain growth and function. It illustrates the fact that the brain uses a foundation of simple functions (first: survival e.g. breathing) to develop more complex functions.
The neurosequential model highlights that toddlers are doing huge work in their mid-brains, developing control over their bodies. It serves to remind us what an enormous amount of practice is required before a toddler can master the vast range of physical skills we expect of a three or four year old. Walking and toileting are obvious examples, but how about those milestones that don’t make it into the baby books, like putting on socks? Holding one’s own toothbrush? Climbing into the carseat unaided?
There is a tension here, a conflict between a toddler’s desire to do it “all by myself!” and the adult desire to get things done efficiently, quickly. We must remember that childrens’ learning happens all the time: that the process of putting on hat and gumboots in order to get outside holds as many lessons as the wonderful experience of outdoor play. Children don’t differentiate between “routines” and “learning” – they learn from all life offers.
Toddlers are well served by adults who themselves understand the neurosequential model as it relates to their own brain function – a deep breath to re-oxygenate the cortex can keep a parent cool as a two year old scrabbles slowly, clumsily into the carseat, refusing assistance. Or if the previously competent toddler would, in fact, like help today. Children’s need for responsive care applies beyond infancy.
It helps when adults understand that toddlers need lots of practice – not just with the multitudes of physical skills they are busy learning, but the extremely complex world of socialisation and processing of emotions as they move into development of the limbic system.
It is crucial to consider that toddlers work on developing their limbic system – in basic terms, the home of emotion – for a good while before they develop their cortex. It is the cortex that acts as a filter for emotion. It is the cortex that enables logic to override an emotional response, when appropriate.
Robust cortical growth happens most readily when it rests upon a strong foundation. It is arguable that the best way to ensure this is to engage emotionally with toddlers as they build their limbic systems. This requires adults brave enough to empathise with toddlers as they work through large emotions, as they begin the long process of self-regulation of the primitive systems of rage, fear, and distress that they were born with.
I have had parents come to a Brainwave presentation for a second time to specifically report how powerful this particular lesson has been. Families sharing how tantrums decrease enormously when a parent is able to substitute “would you just cut it out!!” with “oh, I know it’s frustrating when you can’t have what you want!”. Domestic harmony restored, all thanks to application of the neurosequential model.
I am grateful to Brainwave for helping New Zealand to recognise that there is nothing terrible about Twos.
Adapted from: McCaleb, M. & Mikaere-Wallis, N. Relationship-shaping: Teacher consistency and implications for brain development. The First Years/Ngā Tau Tuatahi: New Zealand Infant and Toddler Education, 7(2), 21-25
There’s nothing Terrible about Twos: In Defence of Toddlers
Originally published in the Newsletter of the Brainwave Trust, 2008