Thereʼs a lot to be said for tenacity. Stickability, consistency, and grit. These are all
admirable qualities that will often lead to great things.
But have you ever wondered whether our collective admiration of these traits might come at a cost? Arenʼt there times weʼd be (gasp!) better off quitting?
There must be reason beyond the fishtail plait that made icy Elsa resonate with so many. On some level, we all have something that makes us long to Let it go.
Turns out, the ability to recognise when a situation no longer serves is valuable – and the willingness to walk away from that situation can be important for our mental health. Our culture is full of messages about the unsavouriness of quitting, but Iʼm here to propose an alternate reality. Come with me, to a place that celebrates the benefits of bailing.
But before I issue your License to Quit, I must offer a couple of caveats. First: parenthood. By and large, where kids are concerned, consistency is your friend. The younger the child, the more that is true. Babies need consistent care and their needs usurp ours. The needs of the human with the highly malleable brain trumps our desires. So even if we are inconvenienced by their neediness, it is our duty to provide consistency. Sorry. Except Iʼm not really sorry. When our children are small, we make sacrifices. Thatʼs that.
There are other times in our lives when we need to call on our ability to Suck It Up,
Buttercup. Having a pool of tenacity to call upon is essential. Caring for a relative during an illness is not something we get to walk away from. A mini-break, sure, but an actual bailing? Iʼm afraid not. My vast pregnant self drove my ailing mother to and from chemotherapy appointments even when Iʼd much rather have driven us both to the movies, and to denial.
Another example: When my husband was getting his business established, he earned nothing at all for a good while, and my earnings kept us going. Problem: I hated my job. Hated it! Cried all the way to work, week after week. But I had to find a way to make that work, at least for a while. And I did. In hindsight, it was time kinda well spent – I made some lifelong friendships and valuable contacts. I also learned what direction I did not want to take my career. Golden.
My friend Lisa had a similar experience when she was working for a particular organisationthat sheʼd previously thought would be the pinnacle of her career. “I thought it was going to be awesome and meet all my professional needs.” Instead, she says, “It wasnʼt challenging enough, and I felt trapped. I thought, I canʼt back out now … from all outside observation this is the be all and end all and I should be happy. I had to acknowledge that it wasnʼt working. Thatʼs harder than staying in it and being miserable, sometimes.” Thatʼs right. Quitting isnʼt always the easy option. Just ask an ex-smoker.
This message about enjoying employment may be especially important for women to hear – especially women with kids. Researchers at La Trobe University in Australia showed that employed mothers juggling work and home life face prolonged pressures and poor mental health – and thatʼs regardless of a child’s age or women’s socio-economic background.
Dr Elizabeth Westrupp was the lead author on the study, which found that “there are
reciprocal and ongoing effects between mother’s mental health and their work-life balance.It is not a one way street; conflict in these roles affects mental health, and mental health affects how mothers juggle work-family roles.” All the more reason to do whatever you can to ensure that any paid employment is something you can take pleasure from.
Lisa is an example of how quitting at one thing can lead to success in something else. “I stayed working there about a year. When I left, it felt liberating, like a huge weight off my shoulders. It felt like a lesson in remembering that sometimes the reality doesnʼt meet the expectation, and thatʼs fine.” Sheʼs gone on to work in prestigious settings here and overseas, as well as claiming more time at home with her family. Oh, and sheʼs since earned her PhD, too. See? Quitting isnʼt just for losers.
Another point of view to consider in all this is our timing with regards to quitting. Stephen Levitt is an economist at the esteemed University of Chicago. Heʼs the co-author of the successful Freakonomics series of books, and often appears on the podcast. In one Freakonomics podcast called “The Upside of Quitting”, Levitt said: “If I were to say one of the single most important explanations for how I managed to succeed against all odds in the field of economics, it was by being a quitter. That ever since the beginning, my mantra has been “fail quickly.” If I started with a hundred ideas, I’m lucky if two or three of those ideas will ever turn into academic papers. One of my great skills as an economist has been to recognize the need to fail quickly and the willingness to jettison a project as soon as I realise it’s likely to fail.”
Right. Let it go.
The benefits of bailing can extend beyond the workplace. In fact, we might argue that they def-o should. So many aspects of our lives sit outside the realm of quit-a-bility – thereʼs plenty of stuff we have to do no matter what. Surely thatʼs all the more reason to trim the fat wherever we can. Sometimes, we have to put up with a depressing job for a time. Sometimes, we have no choice but to wade through the challenges of ill health. Babies? They need us. Bin liners? Theyʼll need replacing. But what about all those other responsibilities we pile onto ourselves? Are they truly necessary?
Take, for example, this tale from Belinda Donaldson. Belinda is a mother of two boys, both
busy with sporting commitments. She helps to run her familyʼs wine-making business, taking care of many of the day-to-day operations at their restaurant. You might think that these things – in addition to running a home – is plenty. But last year, Belinda thought sheʼd have a crack at adding something else. “” I really wanted to tackle something just for me … something a bit intellectually challenging. I loved the idea of picking some German language papers back up at university. Itʼd been years since I immersed myself in study and I really thought itʼd be at treat”.
In this case, Belindaʼs decision to bail from her previously declared commitment to study in 2015 was an example of a wise decision all round. “Instead of adding texture and challenge to my life, it just piled more pressure on to me. My work and my family demands stayed the same, and pretty soon uni was more trouble than it was joyful. I bailed after the first semester. Best thing I couldʼve done. It’s just not the right time.”
There are a couple of things I love about Belindaʼs example. First, she made the decision to quit but still rounded out the first semester. She finished the paper sheʼd already started, just un-enrolled from the second semester. I think this strategy of waiting for a natural exit point is an excellent one, and a great model for negotiations with our children when they decide they do not wish to continue with gymnastics. Or rugby. Or the cello. Or whatever.
Encouraging them to see out the term honours any commitment made to a team, the
teacher, and the already-paid fees. It ought to help our kids as they build their reserve of grit, which will be useful should they need to stick out a difficult job or work through unavoidable family unpleasantness or the inevitable inconvenience that will arise when they, themselves, become parents. But it does so while maintaining a pragmatic acceptance of the fact that sometimes the best thing to do is change tracks.
Another thing I value about Belindaʼs bail (FYI … in German: verlassen) was her
recognition that the perceived benefits of the class were not worth the overall cost. Even the things we consider as Me Time need to be bailed from, sometimes.
In a display of wry humour, when Belinda and I were attempting to pin down a time to have a conversation for this article, she texted “How the heck can we go to uni if we canʼt even find 10 minutes to talk about not going to uni!”.
Time is so precious, and we cannot make any more of it. So how we spend it is worth
deliberate thought. As Tristin Stevenson says: “Doing less is so the new black”. Tristin runs a business, The Yoga Club, and in her work as a yoga teacher she finds an increasing number of students who have been referred to her by health professionals, for stress-reduction purposes. She acknowledges the irony of adding something more in order to lessen stress, but sheʼs passionate in her belief that adding yoga is a wise move.
“A yoga practice is a great place to muck around with letting all sorts of things go – be they physical, emotional or energetic. Itʼs another example of how the skills we practice on the mat can serve us off the mat, too.”
More reason to quit? As psychology professor Carsten Wrosch noted in the
aforementioned Freakonomics podcast “People who are better able to let go when they experience unattainable goals, … have … for example, less depressive symptoms, less negative affect over time. They also have lower Cortisol levels, and they have lower levels of systemic inflammation which is a marker of immune functioning. [T]hey develop fewer physical health problems over time.”
Those are some profound advantages and they reinforce the power of giving up.
Perhaps this is a useful time to mention the ʻsunk-cost fallacyʼ. A “sunk cost” is the name given to time or money you’ve already spent. The sunk-cost fallacy is when you tell yourself that you can’t quit because of all that time or money you already spent. “Iʼve been paying for my sonʼs tennis lessons for three years, he canʼt quit!” Repeat after me: Yes. He. Can. Or: “But Iʼve slogged my way through two whole years of law lectures. I canʼt change my major now!” Yes. You. Can.
Continuing to pile money, energy or other resources into a scenario that doesnʼt offer
rewards puts us at risk of falling victim to another fallacy – the Concorde fallacy.
Biologist Richard Dawkins coined the phrase, taking an example from the business world (ie, Concorde aircraft) to describe the behaviour of a certain type of somebody. This is someone who persists at something in which they have invested a lot of time, energy or money even though they know that the outcome is unlikely to be a success.In a recent issue of the Sunday Star Times, financial advisor Martin Hawes wrote: “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Cut your losses and spend your energy trying to find something better rather than worrying about past losses and sunk costs.”
Whether we’re talking about an investment of time, or of money, this is excellent advice. Stop digging. Know when enough is enough. Choose your battles. Let it go.
Instead of vilifying Giving Up, think of it as another skill to practice. An attribute. Knowing when to give up, how to quit, what to bail from – these are life skills that might just be worth as much as knowing when to persevere, stick it out, and hang in there.
Just ask Richie McCaw.
Summary:
1. There are some things we donʼt get to bail from.
2. Recognising when itʼs time to give up is a valuable skill
3. Quitting can take courage – and lead to success in something else
4. Waiting for a natural exit point (eg end of term for kidʼs sports) can foster grit
5. Even things we think of as “me time” are better off quit, sometimes
6. Beware the “concorde” or “sunk cost” fallacy. Cut your losses and GO.
Originally published in OHbaby! magazine, Issue 33, Autumn 2016
Also available at:
https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/parenting/for-you-mama/the-power-of-quitting