Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your attention. In a world where our attention is as valuable as clean water and restorative sleep, I am super grateful that you will share yours with me, here in this article.
Our attention is a precious and finite resource, with whole industries dedicated to mining it. If our daily habit is to let our attention drift wherever it is called, we are likely to let our it meander toward our toddler’s irritating but harmless noises. You know, the ones that will end sooner if you ignore them? If we let our attention saunter too much without purpose, we wind up gifting it to the lures of advertising, and we have probably all experienced how scrolling through social media or fluffing around online shopping sites can suck up much more of our attention than we intended. Think of your attention like a beautiful, precious, impressionable adolescent. Full of such greatness and potential! But open to manipulation if someone isn’t keeping an eye out for those with ulterior motives.
As we go through the routines and rituals of our daily lives with our families, where is our attention? Research tells us that only 2% of people can multi-task without attentional deficit. This is to say, only 2% of people can effectively hold more than one thing in the forefront of their minds with equal energy, meaning that the rest of us (we are the 98%!) are better off slowing down and paying attention to one thing at a time. Most of us can do a half-competent job of many things at once, or we can consciously put our attention on one thing at a time, and do a good job of that.
As I’ve written before in this very publication, multi-tasking is actually a myth. It is more honest to call it “switch-tasking”, because of the way our brains respond to holding competing stimuli. And today we turn this concept to an extremely important, intensely personal aspect of parenting, and life in general. Now, my friends, will you please pay attention to your body.
Go on. Give it a loving shoulder roll or a gentle neck circle. Notice your spine, your feet, your lips. Just give your body its own moment. Right here, right now.
OK. Let’s continue.
For the mamas reading this, bearing children has probably already made superhuman demands on your body. Perhaps you conceived without drama (best case scenario: using your body for pleasure in the process!) or perhaps your road to parenthood was a more modern version – with prescriptions, appointments, and injections involved. In the particular case of the speculum, I think it’s good to be able to take your attention out of your body, for a while!
Then pregnancy invites us to experience our bodies in new and amazing ways – our attention for our bodies can be heightened as things change with developments we mightn’t have predicted. We notice new sensations – from in-utero hiccups to rebellious nipples to the extraordinary sensitivity of a newly-inside-out belly button. That demands some serious attention!
Next comes childbirth: there are many paths up that particular mountain, and some are a steeper climb than others. For some, the process of bringing Baby into the world requires a different type of attention than for others, but I’d wager that no matter your birth story, all mothers are acutely aware of their bodies while birthing. Friends, whether Baby arrived through a birth canal or via caesarean section, all mother’s bodies are deserving of care and attention in the weeks and months that follow Baby’s arrival.
In the newborn phase, a mother’s body continues vying for her attention even as her little baby does the same. But as the postnatal bleeding slows, the perineum and/or belly scar heal, and the boobs calm down, women can fall into the super-busy trap of letting their awareness of their bodies slide into the background, especially as a million other things (especially that one particularly cute, über demanding little person) are competing for that precious, finite attention.
It’s frightening how quickly that can happen. One of my mama pals put it this way: “You obey the rules for a while, but 5 weeks after birth as the help dries up you find yourself doing things not allowed. But you have to get the job done! No reaching allowed – how then to unpack dishwasher or hang laundry?”
As life revs back up to the pace it will arguably maintain for at least a couple of decades, it is a good idea to remember how to check back in with your body.
This idea was brought into stark awareness for me when I went for a walk with an ol’ dancing buddy of mine and she happened to share the advice of her (osteopath?). “Tend to your body”. She explained how it was little wonder my friend was suffering from sore shoulder and neck, and that if she would just slow her roll, moving with awareness, she would be caring for herself as lovingly as she constantly cares for her family.
“Tend to your body”. Well, blow me down. My socks were knocked off. You see, I like to think I do a fair job of bodily maintenance – I plan on being here for at least another 40 years of sunsets, so I need these bones, joints and fascia to go the distance. I exercise, I eat pretty well and drink heaps of water.
But as the body-tending (osteopath?) highlighted, if we are just hurling ourselves around all day, we will get hurt. A laundry basket is not a rugby ball and I am not a half back! It will take a mere second longer if I plant my feet firmly, breathe my belly button in and place the laundry basket down with care.
Suddenly I became aware of all the micro-decisions I make in a day, where my lack of consciousness causes injury or discomfort in my body, because I’m chucking her around from pillar to post. I’m a shocker for carrying too many things at once, meanwhile using just a pinky finger to close a door, and damaging my hands. I do dumb things like tell myself it’ll take too long to find my work gloves, then fill my hands with splinters as I stack firewood. We all squint at our cell phones, developing ‘tech neck’ because we are so skilled at blocking out the needs of our bodies.
When you pay attention to your body (even if just for a moment!) , your brain state has to shift from burbling away in the cortex, and to instead notice what’s happening in the older, mammalian and reptilian regions of our neuroanatomy. This quick visit to our body’s brain makes us able to regulate better, which winds up helping us think straight. Go figure.
Another way to think about this: body awareness is the practical manifestation of mindfulness. If you are able to give yourself the gift of little micro-pauses now and then (just take 2 seconds!), the whole family will benefit. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and see what your body tells you.
Something I noticed after the “tend to your body” conversation, when I took the occasional moment to consciously notice what my body was up to, was how often I was mildly busting. Turns out, I can go HOURS needing to pee but getting interrupted, or interrupting myself, before I actually take care of it. Now, it is a fact that our wise cortexes cannot fully engage if there is partial attention being spent on silencing the alarm system of a lower brain function (try making a good decision when you’re hungry!) so if you can readily take care of that alarm, please do it. Which is a long way of saying: we are lucky enough to have indoor plumbing! Let’s use it!
When I reached out to a bunch of my pals who are mothers, to get their take on this subject, it was humbling how many of their answers involved the realities of breastfeeding. Just to be clear: I am a massive fan and huge advocate for breastfeeding, and these conversations reminded me to remember both sides of the equation. Yes, magical milk. Yes, exceptional bonding. But also yes: what hard work it can be.
One gal described her “neck craning to work around Baby for boob feeding – and not a single chiropractic session in there”. In the early days of feeding, we almost teach ourselves to not tend to your bodies. “The pain when she latched on was toe-curling!! Literally! I used to sit there with my toes in fists, trying to keep my face from fully contorting, in case I freaked her out! I mean, it didn’t last too long and breastfeeding was totally worth it, but she and I really had to work through that”. Another mother described her life as being a state of chronic dehydration. “When you are first breastfeeding everyone is like ‘sit down, would you like a glass of water!’ ‘Have some bikkies!’ Then from about 8 months on no one offers anything. Then after 18 months I even forget to drink water myself, no ones cares that I’m breastfeeding nowadays! Not even me!”
Ouch. If you’ve (sob!) left nursing behind, how can you lend a hand to a milky mama? Snacks are good, a wipe down of the kitchen bench probably won’t hurt, and a glass of water is always a super idea.
Just do your darnedest to witness your own body as you find the glasses, notice your hand as you turn the tap, move with care as you deliver the water. In this way, everybody (Every Body!) wins.
Originally published in OHbaby! Issue 44, Summer 2019 Also available at https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/parenting/health-and-wellbeing/tend-to-your-body-mama