Here comes an article about screen-time. Caution: there may be guilt. Please, try to replace that with a cushion of compassion for yourself. Because you are feeling guilty about something which is bigger than you. And friends, when we talk about parenting in the digital age we cannot afford to let guilt immobilise us. Nor should we reduce this conversation to “if I limit the number of minutes my kid spends on a screen to x per day, I’m a good parent. If I don’t, I’m a failure!”. It’s all way more complex than that. So buckle up!
Let’s step back and realise we’re in uncharted territory – past generations did not have the pressure of competing for their children’s attention to the extent that we do. When our great-grandparents raised our grandparents they didn’t have to worry that the values they were trying to instil (values like “lying is bad”, or “being smart is more important than being pretty” or “do the mahi, then get the treats”) were being contradicted by mighty advertising budgets or endorsement accepting ‘influencers’. Sure, we get some benefits our great-grandparents did not – indoor plumbing is a beautiful thing! – but those of us parenting now also get worries that did not exist before. The threat of commercial exploitation of children is a daily occurrence for us: it was unheard of for thousands of generations stretching peacefully into the past. Our kids are marketed to before they can talk. They recognise corporate logos before they can read. And as the number of screens in our homes increases, so do the number of opportunities unscrupulous companies to wrap their tentacles around our kids.
Welcome to the attention economy. Where we – and our children – are the product.
The stated goal of those who design tech and apps is “time on device” –not your family’s wellbeing. Let’s face it: increasing “time on device” is the opposite of what most of us parents are trying to achieve. If you’re finding it hard to get your child to switch off and reengage with the whānau, that means a tech designer has done a good job with their ‘persuasive design’ strategies! In fact, “It is unreasonable to design services to be compulsive, and then reprimand children for being preoccupied with their devices.” So says the report “Disrupted Childhood” by the 5Rights Foundation. (You’ll find a link to that excellent report in the resources section at the end of this article. Good stuff, check it out. After the kids are in bed!)
This background information about the so-called “sticky” design strategies used by tech companies is important, because we need to understand the wider context for what can feel like lonely, in-home battles. Remember: this is bigger than just your family. It’s no wonder if you’re finding this a tense topic at your place! Our natural desires for novelty, mastery and connection are being exploited and manipulated by those who answer to shareholders, not ethics committees.
Some of those who have designed these addictive tools have come to see how problematic they are and are speaking out against them: one famous example is Tristan Harris. He shamefacedly admits to having invented the ‘infinite scroll’ function on your phone. In June of 2019, Harris testified to the U.S. Senate about the ‘asymmetric power of algorithms’, poetically explaining that “Because YouTube wants to maximize watch time, it tilts the entire ant colony of humanity towards crazytown.”
Elsewhere, “parent like a tech executive” has become shorthand for being low-tech or no-tech in your parenting, and in Silicon Valley that practice extends into schools. Steve Jobs, who invented the iPad, didn’t let his kids use one. His explanation that iPads were not designed for children is also true of computers, smartphones, YouTube, and the internet itself: none of these things were designed for children.
Why are the children of Silicon Valley predominantly kept offline? Let’s look to our evolutionary history for one answer: how did we evolve this juicy brain and these dexterous fingers? How did we evolve a mind capable of imagining the iPad? We evolved the brains and bodies capable of creating such technology by having childhoods free of such technologies. We evolved these brains and bodies by being in relationship with adults who cared for us, gazed at us, sometimes growled at us, cuddled us and talked to us. We evolved these brains and bodies by having tons of time to play outside, use our bodies, dig in the dirt, watch clouds drift past, make up silly songs, and bicker with our brothers.
All of that is still true: children still need warm laps, conversations, and active, hands-on play. So one of the problems with screen time is that it takes away time from those important activities. Numerous studies show that today’s children are spending too much time being utterly sedentary: time spent sitting in front of a screen reduces the available time for climbing trees or playing Twister or skidding across the kitchen in your socks.
As a mum, I understand the allure of switching on a screen for the kids: there are times you just can’t face cleaning up another playdough tea party or dealing with the all noise and bluster. But remind yourself, turning on a screen now is likely to lead to drama when you switch it off, so only ever turn it on if you have established the limits for turning it off first. Set a timer, and stick to it. Know what is coming next and scaffold straight into that. Gird your loins for the complaints, turn it off anyway!
I’ve found (and I know how counterintuitive this seems) I have more success getting dinner cooked without grizzling if I can give myself to the kids (fully! Passionately!) – just for ten minutes before I start. If I can quiet my impatient inner script for a few minutes and do some colouring near the food prep area, I can usually wriggle myself sideways into my chef role quite peacefully. Somehow, when my children ask to watch TV or to go on an iPad, they’ll accept “how about we draw together instead?” when they would forcefully reject “no – sit here and draw”.
Also, there are plenty of options between “full on mess” and “immobile screeniac”. There are options: books, puzzles, pencils & paper, marble tracks, blocks, or (if your living arrangement allows) a bit of good old-fashioned “go outside! I’ll call you when dinner’s ready!” The World Health Organisation summarises their work on the subject this way: kids need to “sit less and play more”.
Less sitting and more playing is a worthy goal, and it would reduce the negative impacts associated with screen time, without ever mentioning screen time! We know about the negative impacts of excessive screen use because there is plenty of peer-reviewed research highlighting the challenges it poses to child development and attention spans. And friends, the first lesson from the mountains of research papers I’ve read in the past few years is that we cannot have a conversation about our kids’ tech use until we have a conversation about our own.
There are dozens of studies that link the amount of parental screen time to the amount of screen time our kids get. Own tech use is potentially problematic for other reasons: when we are distracted by our screens (and smartphone users pick up our phones an average of 80 times a day) we are not giving our full focus to our children. There is mounting evidence of harm, and the younger the child the more this is true. Parental phone use has been shown to negatively impact kids’ behaviour, language development, and socioemotional health. It might feel innocent enough – a quick check of a friend’s holiday pictures or a speedy reply to that email – but the accumulated effect of all that distraction is not benign. Even tiny babies are sensitive to interruptions in the flow of interaction, and these interruptions are associated with risks to infant mental health.
I’m calling a quick time out: if that information has induced a guilt-attack, please take a break. Do some deep breathing, hug your inner self, and realise that you have probably never been told about these findings. Despite international health researchers calling for guidelines to let new parents know to limit their own screen use in the presence of their children, nobody includes such guidelines in their well child checks yet! (If you’re reading, Jacinda, give me a call!) Please drop the guilt: You can’t do better if you don’t know better. And now you do.
Instead we must use the guilt to fire action: at two levels. There’s the kind of action that comes with being an advocate around this issue: learn more, join a campaign, raise a little hell. The list of resources at the end of this article will give you some places to start. The other type of action is the one in your own home, the one where you get serious about protecting your kids from the insatiable reach of the attention economy.
Now, about those kids. What if I told you that one of the most loving things you could provide for your children was … boredom? Michael Rich is a professor of paediatrics at Harvard Medical School, and he says “Boredom is the space in which creativity and imagination happen”. Back to the 5Rights report now: “The capacity for boredom is the single most important development of childhood. The capacity to self-soothe, go into your mind, go into your imagination. Children who are constantly being stimulated by a phone don’t learn how to be alone, and if you don’t teach a child how to be alone, they will always be lonely.”
Alright, so it’s clearly important to let our children have time to daydream and let their minds wander. It’s so important for their wellbeing that we brace ourselves for the cries of “I’m bored!” and be willing to tolerate some grizzling, in the name of love! These are arguments you will have to be prepared to have day after day. My teen knows the rules about phone use, but I still have to offer daily reminders, a reality that neither of us enjoy. Just like I used to have to grit my teeth and keep reminding my kids to wash their hands after flushing, and just like I used to groan at the repetition of wiping down the highchair yet again: I will keep reminding my kids about our household limits around screen time. For the sake of their healthy sleep patterns, for the sake of their attention spans, their mental health, their physical wellbeing, for the sake of our relationship, I will make use of the best tech feature of all: the off switch.
Tech lessons:
Resources:
www.humanetech.com (check out their podcast: Your Undivided Attention)
Try a “Tech Shabbat” (unplug at sundown on a Friday, power back up at sunset on the Saturday) https://www.letitripple.org/about/tiffany-shlain/technology-shabbats/
Join in with Screen Free Week (April/May of every year) www.screenfree.org
| Age of Child | Developmental Traits | Developmental Tasks | How much time on a screen is OK? | Try these instead of screen time … |
| 0-2 | During infancy and toddlerhood baby wires up “lower” regions of brain – experiencing the world largely through senses, body, then emotion | Massive brain growthForming attachment relationshipDeveloping mastery of body (roll, creep, crawl, walk!) | None. Possible exception for Skyping grandparents only! Also: limit your own tech use! | Sing, rock, cuddle, peek-a-boo. Get outside, go for a walk or a sit: trees make awesome mobiles!Meeting a friend for a coffee? Take a keep cup and get outdoors if you can |
| 2-5 | Slowly learning to regulate emotionKids of this age are often interested in the social world, and “the rules”. | Continuing mastery of physical skills – usually from large muscles to finer muscles.From about age 3, peer relationships become importantMay need help finding healthy ways of expressing emotion | About an hour, although experts recommend “co-viewing” and specify “high quality” programming | Pen, paper, library books, balls, blocks, dress ups, built a blanket fort. To use tech for a mama break: listen to stories or kids’ songs while you draw or colour – headphones optional. |
| 5-8 | Often children of this age are keen helpersThis is a stage where children might enjoy trying a variety of different skills: using a hockey stick, a potato peeler or a paint brush! | Children of this age are usually learning to read and write, this takes practice!Friendship skills are still evolving, kids often appreciate sharing their stories with a trusted adult | An hour or two: chances are they have been using screens during the day at school, and they need to prioritise their time for play and sleep. Also: old school DVDs are a great way to enjoy tech. Repetition is good for kids, and there is an end to a DVD: no autoplay. | As above. Keep finding ways for them to help out, eg cooking, cleaning.Board games, puzzles Play outside! |
| 8-12 | Children of this age might be dealing with the beginnings of the hormonal adventures of puberty. Can experience emotional ups & downsMight become interested in ways of expressing identity (eg hair, clothing) | Parents may find themselves providing ongoing coaching about healthy ways to deal with emotions and/or friendships that can ebb and flow. Often becoming more skilled at taking another’s point of viewMay experience growth spurt/weight gain | An hour or so of ‘entertainment media’ at the most: they will probably have been using screens at school, they probably need to use them for homework and they need to prioritise their time for play and sleep.Hold off on buying a smartphone for as long as you can! | As above – kids this age can be really helpful, and should have some tasks they are responsible for.Try craft projects together – redecorate a bedroom Keep getting outside: for bike rides, mud runs, hut building at the beach |
| 13+ | Abstract thinking developingContinuing hormonal and neurological changesIncreased risk taking and something akin to self-obsession are typical adolescent traitsKids of this age are increasingly aware of the wider context in which they live, and can become morose about adult realities | Adolescents still need their families to stay engaged, even as they reorient their relationship focus onto their peer group.This is often a time where rangitahi focus their passions, for sport or cultural pursuits. Wherever possible, encourage this!Often growth spurts result in hunger and fatigue | As above – although there might be exceptions for productive/creative screen use (eg composing music might be OK, hours of YouTube might not).If your teen is a keen gamer, ask them to teach you how to play. If they want social media, join the platform. | As above, and keep up with family outings (look for missions without wifi!) Our teenagers can be helpful if we insist on it – give them tasks that are “theirs” – some to benefit them (eg, do your own laundry), some for the good of the family (eg, empty the recycling). Good luck, remain calm! You are still the adult! Continue to set a good example with your own tech use. |
Originally in OHbaby! magazine, issue 47, Spring 2019 Also available at https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/lifestyle/tech-stuff/rethinking-screentime-parent-like-a-tech-exec