If you were to think back over the interactions you’ve had over the past few days – workmates, whānau, the guy at the petrol station – the ones that leave you feeling warmest, most affirmed, are probably those that have included some respect.
My work with groups of parents gives me confidence to suggest that: if you were telling me the qualities you’d like your children to have as they grow, you would doubtlessly include the word “respect”.
So how do we encourage our children to be respectful? Old school wisdom would insist that children respect their elders. But how do children learn to do so? We know that simply saying something to a child doesn’t magically make it happen – as my daughter’s messy bedroom would attest.
Nowadays, we have brain science in our corner as we contemplate how children learn. And early brain development teaches how repeated experiences wire up brains.
Our early experiences do a lot for creating our “habits of mind” – for example, if we are usually spoken to kindly, we learn to speak to others kindly.
So if we want children to know how to be respectful and give respect, they need to experience respect, to observe, hear and feel a relationship that is based around respect.
That means, in order to have a child who respects their elders, they need to have been respected themselves. They need to know what a respectful relationship looks and sounds like, from the inside out.
What? Respecting babies and children? This is a new concept for many.
Besides, how do we do that? It can be helpful to think about what respecting a baby means and what child respect looks like.
One activity to try is an imagination game. Take a moment during a care routine: perhaps you’re putting your infant son into his pyjamas. Take a second to imagine that the tiny baby is old-lady-you or old-man-you, and the person doing the dressing is your grown up son.
How would you want to be handled? How does it feel when your hand is grabbed roughly or touched gently? What tone of voice is he using?
These seemingly unimportant acts of dressing, bathing, and feeding infants, these care interactions, can be an amazing tool for cementing for your babe what respect looks and feels like.
These are a place for practicing respect: these are things that we have to do every day anyway. Some estimates suggest that you’ll change 2000-3000 nappies before your child is finished with them.
Think about it: nappy changes are something that have to happen anyway. Decide: would you like to use the time to slow down, connect, and strengthen your bond, or will you use the time to be half-present and rushed? Will you be talking to Baby, or someone else?
Our ever-increasing understanding of how humans develop and how our brains grow just keeps reinforcing that nothing is more important for learning than connected relationships. Also, the more we have a particular experience, the more our brains will set it as our autopilot.
Pennie Brownlee is a writer and educator based in Thames. She is one of New Zealand’s most – ahem – respected teachers about matters of infant respect. In a recent blog post about the subject, Pennie elegantly describes how a respectful care interaction might go:
“I want to put this sleeve on. Will you give me your hand?” and very lightly tap your baby’s hand with your finger so that she has another clue from you – and then wait while she processes your request. “I am going to take your hand and pop it in this sleeve” – and wait before you do it. It won’t be too many weeks before the baby puts her hand into yours.
It’s true! I have seen this with my own eyes: babies who are just a few weeks old and can actively participate in their care.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of people – including folks who ought to know better – who run on an unknowing autopilot of disrespect to babies.
I had an experience recently that reminded me of how this is true.
My baby girl needed a minor medical procedure. Had things gone my way, the professional would have introduced herself to Baby as well as to hubby and I. When she undid my baby’s nappy I would have thought that making eye contact was reasonable. And I certainly would have preferred it if she’d given the wee girl a head’s up of what to expect, both with nappy removal (an intimate activity usually only performed by close family!) and with what happened next:
Every time I have ever had chilly ultrasound gel squeezed on my body, the person in charge has warned me “this might be a bit cold!”. My little girl was given no such courtesy. I know, you might be thinking “how can a baby be prepared for that?”, but I can assure you, a six month old infant is fully capable of knowing that “1, 2, 3” is a warning that something is going to happen, even if she cannot exactly anticipate that the “something” is a cold and weird sensation.
Babies’ youth and inexperience makes folks tempted to treat them like they’re stupid, and their non-mobility and malleability seems to make some adults think that they can be manipulated and manhandled at the whim of the grown up.
It’s as though children would think: “Respect my elders? How? What does this word ‘Respect’ even mean?”
We teach children how to treat people by how we treat them, and when they observe our interactions with others.
Luckily, it’s never too late to inject a little more respect into our daily lives. Whether our children are watching us with our own parents, or a random lady at the library, we might ask ourselves “is this how I’d like my child to behave?”. Similarly, we can always strive to be mindful during interactions with our children: whether baby, toddler, or big kid.
Give it a try: when you collect your daughter from school and she’s full of the (seemingly petty!) tales from the playground, take a few minutes to really listen. Simply listen: not passing judgement, not rushing her, not half-attending as you impatiently wait for your turn to talk: just listen.
Or have a go at a super slow and focused interaction as you get your baby changed from his pyjamas into his clothes for the day. Use tons of eye contact, a warm tone, and keep involving him. Remember: some day he might be the one helping you to get dressed. How would you want that interaction to go?
For more information on this important topic, look for books by Magda Gerber, and everyone needs Pennie Brownlee’s lovely book “Dance With Me In the Heart”. Find it at http://penniebrownlee.weebly.com/
Writer Miriam McCaleb does her darndest to stay respectful in her interactions with her husband & daughters. Some days she even succeeds! Her website www.baby.geek.nz is a wonderland of resources for thinking parents.
Originally published as in Tots to Teens magazine, October 2013
Also available for download https://totstoteens.co.nz/parenting/behaviour/raising-with-respect/