It all started in my local library. It’s open plan, so sound travels. If you’re browsing non fiction you can hear what’s happening in the kid’s section. A noisy magazine reader can be heard by someone studying in the teenage area.
On this particular day, all in the library were privy to the trials of a mother and her son. The wee lad was hollering for all he was worth. “If you keep making that noise, we are going to have to leave the library”, she chastened. Moments passed, the squawk continued. “Stop it, or we will go”, warned Mum. The noise ramped up, as did Mum’s tone: “That is ENOUGH! I will take you OUT of the library!”
And
so
it
continued.
After about the tenth exchange, it was I who left the library. If I’d stayed, I think I might have joined in the yelling; “for goodness sake! You said you would go, so GO already!”
This had me thinking about rules, relationships, and behaviour. This incident was an excellent reminder about all sorts of aspects of child development and human interaction. Let’s use it as a springboard to think deeper about that. Hmmm … challenging behaviour as a learning opportunity – now that’s a transformative idea.
Lesson #1:
“All Behaviour is Communication”
This is one of those brutal truths that sneaks up on a busy day and whips the parenting rug out from underneath us. I heard Dr. Ron Lally talk about a variation of this theme (“All Behaviour Has Meaning”) back when I used to be a child development expert (ie, before I became a mother and was appropriately humbled!). This vital point was reinforced during a conversation with Dr. Beverley Flitton, who is a British-trained psychotherapist and family therapist, a mother of three grown sons now living in Canterbury. She reminds parents to look beyond the irritating noises or punchy hands and see what lies beneath.
Lesson #2:
“Give Me Attention”
Beyond that first lesson is the reality that a child’s misbehaviour is often a bid for attention. Let’s hear again from Dr. Flitton, who observes that “a child who’s playing up might be saying ‘you’re not taking enough notice of me’”. This idea that a child’s irritating display is actually an expression of their experience within the parent:child relationship is a really important distinction to make. It’s not just a kid being annoying, it’s a kid telling you how it is for them. If we let it, this will guide us parents back to a child’s underpinning need. If we just work to alter the outward expression of the need – the behaviour – and pay little mind to the root cause – the need for attention – we risk just substituting one challenging behaviour for another. So maybe the noises stop in the library, but the child may become a book-chucker instead.
Lesson #3:
Slow down. And PLAY!
Look, I know. This can be really difficult. I definitely have a “to-do” list that seems to grow ever longer, never shorter. But here’s the irony: it will always go better when I just try to slow down. The day will be less frantic and my children will respond more cooperatively if I at least pretend to be a cool, calm, languid lady. One of the benefits of slowing down is that this is sets the tone for being able to truly listen to our children. Then we can better understand what they are communicating via their behaviour.
Another benefit of slowing down: being able to make time for connected play. I hear you: “Play? When I’m so darned busy?” It might seem counterintuitive, but the things on the to-do list will most certainly happen more swiftly and smoothly afterward. So let’s bring this lesson to the library: if mum hadn’t gone striding straight to the Adult Non-Fiction and requested son to wait quietly, he mightn’t have found it necessary to protest. Imagine if the child had been allowed to loll about on the beanbags with mum, muck around with the puzzles for a while, and cuddle on the couch to read a few books (pretend you’ve got all the time in the world! Look at every single minute detail in the Richard Scarry!). If a trip to the library started like this, the wee fella would be much more agreeable with “I’ll just grab a couple of books from the grown up section on our way out”. Guaranteed.
Lesson #4
Say what you mean and mean what you say
In the context of our library example, only say you’re going leave if you mean it. We all make threats and say loopy things when we’re feeling pressured or stressed – especially easy when we’re parenting in public. It can be a really good idea to buy yourself some time in a situation like this. I heard a great idea about this from Sandy Cassells. She’s a former lecturer in early childhood education now working in family and parent support. She’s a mother of four and a first-time grandmother who has a few trusty strategies up her sleeve – one being to take a breath and have a think before you respond. Try: “Just a minute: I need to tie my shoe”. Think of it as a deep-breathing, strength-gathering, response-thinking technique. It won’t work if you’re in jandals, but you’ll think of something! She would also advise that we carry with us a couple of firm, clear phrases – she’s fond of the simple and powerful “That’s not OK”. It can be said kindly: Sandy reminded me of the value of a firm message delivered with warm tone.
Lesson #5
Consistency, follow through, consequences.
And in the cases where we do promise a consequence to a behaviour, we need to front up and follow through. Even if leaving the library had looked like stepping outside for a few deep breaths on the park bench outside, and then returning, it would have been beneficial to do so. But the emptiness of an idle threat is extremely unhelpful. What does it teach? That my parent does not do what she says she’ll do? This is not a precedent we want set. It can make explanations of future consequences less believable (like: if you don’t wear sunscreen your skin will burn). Wherever possible, we’ve got to turn our declarations into something dependable.
Lesson #6
Reasonable Developmental Expectations
Some conflict is avoidable if we alter our expectations of our children’s behaviour. At home this might mean environmental changes. My one-year-old loves to dump out potting mix from the big indoor tree. I might not love the aesthetics of a furniture barrier around the tree, but it is a simpler and more peaceful solution than months of frustration and bickering as she moves through this developmental stage. Similarly, we can lessen conflict if we don’t demand that young children wait for long periods. Or if they must wait, we can provide them something to stay occupied. Crisis averted! In the library, this might have been allowed for by bringing some books from the kid’s section to enjoy while mama browsed.
Lesson #7
Reasonable individual expectations
This lesson is kinda the same as the previous one, and yet not at all. This lesson takes into account the need to consider the uniqueness of each individual child and to avoid making demands that they cannot meet. Another great quote from Ron Lally – “fairness … is NOT treating each child the same!”. So maybe your firstborn would have waited quietly while you ran errands, but your youngest won’t. This is not a deficit, just a difference! Expect the youngest to only behave like himself and plan for that. Perhaps one of your children has more intense reactions than another, or objects to plans being altered when another did not. Congratulations: you’ve borne little humans. These are all typical variances along predictable trajectories of human development. Learn more at www.temperament.org.
Lesson #8
The Secret to Successful Outings is … … Timing.
This lesson is a reminder that we are messy biological beings. We do well to consider this where possible. Think: is my child hungry? Am I? If it’s been a while since the last snack and blood sugar is plummeting, compliance is less likely till there is a protein/carb combo on board. A cracker and hummus, some cheese and dried fruit, an apple and a handful of nuts … sigh. Life is now worth living again. Similarly, how well rested is everyone? Would now be a good time to sit quietly for a while? Or has there been too much sitting quietly and it’s time for little bodies to move? Has there been recent opportunity for free play, or has it been the ol’ carseat/stroller/supermarket trolley/carseat restraint? This can be a recipe for fractiousness. Does anyone need a drink or a trip to the bathroom? All good? Then let’s choose some books.
Lesson #9
Preparation Helps – Discipline Means “to teach”
It can be really helpful to have conversations with our children before we put them into situations where we expect a certain type of behaviour. Even very young children will respond to “We are going to the library. It is a quiet place. (whisper!) We will use our quiet voices!” Because if we don’t communicate with our children what we expect, how can they possibly know? Discipline means “to teach”, and it is a crucial part of our role as parents. Again, Sandy Cassells: “It’s your job as a parent – it’s kind and loving to set limits!”.
When my oldest was a toddler, she would go nuts in the post office, which has a cornucopia of tempting toys, sticker books and art supplies all arranged at child height. I’d be stuck waiting in line while she either writhed in my arms or ran amok, attracting the ire of other shoppers. Finally, I had the wherewithal to take a moment with her in the car before entering, and explain what I expected – in simple terms. “We are going to the post office. We will probably both see lots of things we like and want! But we are just getting stamps today. I might want to get new pencils! But not today. Today we are just getting stamps.” Then, when she showed me one tempting item after another, I didn’t have to get cross or frustrated, I could just agree “yes, that is lovely! But we are just getting stamps today”. What a difference this made to the post office mission.
Lesson #10
Aspiring for Parental Awesomeness can Totally Backfire
Lesson #10 stands boldly in contrast to the previous nine lessons. Lesson #10 overrides them all. It reminds us that the aspiration to be an amazing and admired mother can totally backfire! As Dr. Flitton says: “sometimes we try so hard to do the right thing, we stress ourselves out. Kids pick up on that tension and misbehave!” So: breathe in, breathe out. Repeat. Smile. Shrug your shoulders. Release the tension in your body. Relax. Laugh! Most of the things we stress about with our parenting don’t really matter (*there are safety exceptions: water, roads, firearms …) But other than that, CHILL! If you’re the sort of mama taking time to read a parenting magazine, I’m willing to bet you’re doing a fine job.
Enjoy a more indepth discussion of this lesson in the “Good Enough Parenting” article I wrote for OH!baby, in Issue 19, Spring 2012.
Originally published in OHbaby! magazine, Winter 2013
Also available for download: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/parenting/behaviour-and-values/set-the-scene-for-good-behaviour