Picture this: it’s Saturday afternoon, and a couple of families have gotten together to enjoy some leisure time. Snacks have been provided, drinks poured. Children are exploring a toy box and adults are beginning to chat. The idyllic scene is short lived, however. Within minutes, both families’ two-year-olds want the same toy and are in conflict. Just as that is resolved, the older kids start bickering about who will get the last piece of cake.
Ah yes, screams and grizzles – the sound of a blissful family life! So are these horrifically behaved children, or is this an entirely normal scene? Chances are, it’s the latter. Sharing is not something we are born knowing how to do.
Humans are social animals, yet our children need us to teach them about living in the social world. Sharing is a vital life skill, and without it our children would struggle to make friends or work (play!) collaboratively.
So what can we do to help children navigate this social world? What can we teach our kids about negotiation? Let’s – ahem – share some ideas about sharing.
We know that very young children learn best by observing us. From the day our babies are born, they are watching and absorbing lessons about everything – how to treat others, how to behave. For infants and toddlers, this process we call socialisation is much less about direct instruction (“do this! do that!” is ineffective in the very young). Instead, they learn by watching and listening.
With this in mind, it can be helpful to think hard about our own attitude to sharing. The give-and-take of conversation is an excellent place to start: we take turns to talk, we share the air. I was reminded about this by one of my favourite baby-colleagues, Sandy Cassells. She is an ex-university lecturer working in family and parent support. A mother of four and now a grandmother, Sandy has been paying attention to children for decades.
She reminded me adults teach young children about turn taking every time we talk. There are lessons bestowed by how well (or not) we obey the rules of give and take in conversation. “This includes very young babies” says Sandy. “Tiny infants just a few weeks old will want to join in the conversation with coos and vocalisations. Are adults leaving them room to do so?”
Are we good turn takers? How do we model the negotiation of resources?
I had to cringe when I thought hard about this. Just this week, I argued with my husband in a most petty way, in front of my kids. About what? About whose car would be parked under cover. For goodness sake, Historical Self, set a better example.
So what? We have two vehicles, one car port. They are both our cars, it is our car port. When I married that guy we both vowed “All that I have I share with you”. Nothing about this interaction should involve grasping or competition. Instead, knowing our kids were watching, I could have embraced an opportunity to model gracious turn-taking. I wish I’d said: “Sure, babe. I parked under there all week. Your turn!”
Seriously! Talk about a first-world problem. Poor little me. I might have to walk through the air from my heated car to my heated house, oh boo hoo. Reframing that whole incident reminded me that it’s a blessed coincidence to have been born at a time when the combustion engine allows us to drive, and in a place where we can work and prosper in a peaceful environment. We have two comfy, reliable cars and a cosy home. Why am I teaching my kids to squabble with someone I love dearly for resources of which there are plenty?
Teach generosity, and gratitude for abundance
Teaching generosity and gratitude can involve overt action, like correcting yourself for car-parking-scenario type gaffes. Also, you might try subtle tweaks – like dishing dinner at the table instead of making plates in the kitchen. This provides opportunities to talk about ‘sharing this dish of lasagne’, or ‘this pan of eggs’. As well as modeling the language of sharing and gratitude, this exercise should create positive associations around the act of sharing. (Food! Family! Delicious!)
Sandy Cassells also sees this as place to model negotiation: “Who’s going to get that last roast potato? How will you work that out? After all, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Can we all practice being OK with that?”
Know the difference between Sharing & Turn Taking
I know, this may seem like just semantics, but if we’re unclear about our expectations then how can children comply?
Basically: if you can cut it in half, it’s sharing. If we need to go one at a time, it’s turn taking. So: you can share a pie but not a purse. A box of felt pens can be shared, but with an individual pen you gotta take turns. Got it?
I was a kindergarten teacher and would observe children struggling to negotiate who’d get the last police hat in the dress ups. Often a well-meaning adult would instruct “Share!”. What? Impossible! Much more helpful to be prompted to “take turns”, which gives a tangible place to begin negotiations.
Highlight Sharing
We can point out when others are sharing, for example characters in books, or kids at the park. (“Doesn’t it look like they’re having fun taking turns with that ball?”)
Similarly, praise your child for attempts to share, even as they’re beginners. A child as young as 18 months can be celebrated: “I love how you let Molly have a turn with the balloon! And then it was your turn again. It looked like such fun!”.
Developmental Characteristics of Toddlers
In developmental terms, toddlers are described as egocentric. As parents of toddlers will recognise, this means that they genuinely believe themselves to be at the centre of the universe.
If you were the very axis of the solar system, why would you share? Nobody else or their needs even matter! This theory fits with what Sue Gerhardt, author of the excellent book “Why Love Matters”, writes about development of the orbitofrontal cortex – the brain’s home of empathy. It’d seem we are not concerned with – and barely aware of – others’ needs until late toddlerhood (ie, 3-ish). Let this developmental reality modify any hopes that toddler playdates will flow smoothly.
This also further explains the difference in the way that toddlers play (parallel play – playing alongside a peer, often kind of ignoring them) compared to the play of 3- or 4-year olds, which is all about socialising and collaborating.
SO: How to support them in learning to share & take turns?
Play exaggerated turn taking games with toddlers. Try simple tea parties (“some for you, some for me, some for teddy!”) or explicitly describe what’s happening as you play together, like “now it’s my turn to drive the train around the track, then it’ll be your turn. That was my turn, now it’s your go! Choo choo!”
Also, think of toddler’s play resources in terms of collections. If your toddler is no longer mouthing everything (they can be sharp …) a box of 2L milk bottle lids is an awesome toy, as is a bucket of shells or a purse full of small wooden blocks. These collections speak to the way that toddlers like to play (they LOVE toting wee bags around and popping their collections in and out of things). Collections also make negotiations much easier than competing for, say, one big truck or a single desired baby doll.
Look for turn taking games and songs. My 16 month old loves nothing more than a wee song we sing that goes: “Daddy’s got the hat. Now whaddya think of that? Daddy’s got the hat! He takes it off and gives it to Joseph! Whaddya think of that? Now Joseph’s got the hat” … Any time, any place!
Developmental Characteristics of 3- and 4-Year Olds
Things start to click and change for 3-year olds. There seems to be a brain change explaining their readiness for social connectedness and peer relationships. It also makes sense of the way that their play needs shift. They seem ready to engage with others in a new way.
SO: How to support them in learning to share & take turns?
Children of this age have a beginning awareness of how others feel, and how their own behaviour might impact other people. This can be useful when discussing sharing, whether in life, in books, or on TV. (“Oh, I wonder how that would feel, if you didn’t get to share the birthday cake?”)
Prepare for play dates by reminding something like “When Tawhiri comes this afternoon, we could make some play dough for you to share with him! Or you might take turns with the diggers in the sand pit?”
I think it’s entirely appropriate for part of the play date prep to include putting away a couple of special toys that your child mightn’t be ready to share. We do this ourselves – you might say to your girlfriend: “Sure you can borrow something to wear to your work do!”, even as you think “Anything you like: just not that sparkly vintage number, or my new suede boots”. Same goes with the kids. They get to save a little something just for them.
What about when things are going wrong?
Sometimes even when we’ve done all the prep, things can go awry. What do we do in that moment when kids are both wrestling for the toy dog? Ditto siblings – what to do when squabbling sets in?
May I share an egg-cellent strategy (and I promise that’s my last pun). Dr. Shari Barkin is an academic pediatrician at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine in Nashville, Tennessee. Her research has included work in family violence prevention, and she had encouraging results when she provided families with an egg timer. As well as being useful for “family time outs” (ie, chill out), and “intentional media use” (know when to turn the telly off) an egg timer is a fantastic way to monitor turn taking and keep things completely fair. “Three minutes each. I’ll set the timer”.”
How to help the toy dog wrestlers? Move in close – nobody gets to hurt anybody. It might help if you hold the toy dog while you negotiate what happens next. With 3 year olds, you can say “oh! Two kids, one dog! What will we do?” Sometimes they’ll create viable solutions, often they don’t. Use the timer: you might give yourself a turn with the dog first (be brief: 2 minutes will probably be enough) before giving the children their turns. Guests may have first turns, siblings might alternate who goes first in such moments. And often it’s a moot point: by the time their turn rolls around, they’re settled into playing with something else. If the “ding” of the timer hasn’t made them insist on their turn, consider ignoring it yourself.
Everyone does get the occasional pass to just take the toy away, but try to save this strategy for when you are at your wit’s end (sick, rainy day inside, exhaustion …). I have used my “Just Remove the Item” voucher when I’ve had a mate over for coffee. You know that longing to finish a sentence? To form a complete thought? But be warned: if this is our consistent go-to technique, children miss a ton of opportunities to practice negotiation, to learn to deal with disappointment, to master turn-taking.
And during that fought-for coffee date, resist the urge to put your parenting on show, or to expect that children will perform beyond their developmental abilities. Embrace it: there will probably be conflict. As the late, great Magda Gerber wrote about sharing battles: “This is normal life”. Furthermore, she encouraged parents to “Trust that your child will eventually learn to share. Give it time to happen”.
Always acknowledge: waiting isn’t easy. Simply these words: “Oh, I know! It’s hard to wait!” can work wonders. It is not a symptom of deviance or cause for concern if your child doesn’t enjoy waiting for his turn. Who really does enjoy waiting? Queue at a busy intersection, anyone?
Another hint from Sandy Cassells. When she’s supporting her toddler grandson in waiting for his turn, she’ll just say aloud “waiting, waiting, waiting…”. Try it. You might just be surprised how effective this is for pulling you both into the present moment.
We can no more make children share than we can make them do poos on the toilet. But we can certainly make them anxious an unwilling to do either! Parents do well when we are courageous about resisting pressure from our peers to make children share or to force apologies for the inevitable struggles. Then we can instead put our energy where it needs to be: demonstrating generosity and sharing. Praising our children’s attempts. Empathising with the discomfort that often comes with learning new stuff.
Finally, it’s OK to admit that it is not always easy to share. Small children often wear their hearts on their sleeves. They may protest with aplomb about perceived injustices but be honest: do you always want to share that chocolate bar or could you cheerfully demolish it all by yourself?
Ask yourself (OK, myself …) would you secretly rather have the undercover carpark every single time? It’s not always easy to share, but it is worth learning how.
Originally published in OHbaby! magazine, Autumn 2014 Also available for download: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/under-5/parenting-toddlers/sharing-turn-taking