May I begin by telling you that this sleep article is being written by a tired parent, not by a rested academic whose kids are long grown. Be assured I was up – often – just last night. I did not want to get up, but then I’m sure my daughter does not wish to be ravaged by teething pain. So yes, I am tired. I’m sure she is too.
Further disclosure: this author survived the 1970‘s, sometimes being left to cry herself to sleep. And there were times I left my older daughter crying in her cot (sorry, love). She survived too. I tell you all this because the last thing I wish to do here is beat anyone up. Bash you with the guilt stick. Because we are all doing our best. We all make mistakes. We are all learning.
That said, I need to tell you why I have vehemently turned my back on “Cry It Out” as a method for “training” babies to sleep. In the gap between my children, brain imaging techniques improved, research was published, and I learned a whole lot more.
The biological realities about babies’ sleep cannot be ignored. Babies wake up during the night. This frequent night waking allows for tiny tummies to be regularly fueled, and it creates the opportunity for emotional reconnection – the filling of tanks of a different type.
We know that babies have shorter sleep cycles than adults, and that they don’t establish a circadian rhythm (being mostly awake in the daytime and mostly asleep at night) until at least 3 months of age. In fact, sleep researchers reassure us that the human sleep mechanism is not completely formed until around 5 years of age and that night waking is perfectly normal for infants and young children.
Therefore, sometimes when parents describe sleep problems with their children, they are actually describing quite normal sleep behaviours. Typical childhood stuff. Also, bear in mind that the messages from our culture (“Independence is great!”), from our older family members (“We left you to cry and you’re alright …”) and even from health professionals (yes, nurse at my GP’s office, I’m talking to you!) can fly in the face of current research. Staying on top of information about brain development, attachment theory and their relationship to sleep can give us reason to respond to our children, instead of letting them Cry It Out.
Babies are not born with the ability to regulate their physiological states. They can’t feed themselves when hungry, or warm themselves when chilly. They need their significant adults to do those things for them. There are implications here for heart rate, digestion and breathing patterns.
The same is true for regulating emotional states. Babies are unable to cheer themselves when sad, or calm themselves when frightened. They need their people to do this too – cuddling, rocking, singing, shushing. This is as true at 3am as it is at 3pm. And due to the interconnected nature of human development, these emotional states also impact our physiological realities: heart rate, digestion, breathing patterns.
Consider, then, how confusing it must be to be cared for responsively at certain times of the day and left alone to cry at other times. This type of inconsistent care isn’t just unpleasant for baby in the moment, it threatens to “train” caregivers to desensitise themselves to Baby’s cries. This has the potential to put a baby at immediate risk, and over time it can undermine the entire caregiving system.
Crying is often the only way that babies have to communicate “I am stressed!”. Because babies’ brains are developing so rapidly, they are particularly vulnerable to the impacts of stress. These can include the production of cortisol, and – if left without comfort for long enough – pain numbing chemicals and hormones, which our bodies produce in an attempt to physiologically and emotionally retreat. This is known as dissociation and is a toxic state to be avoided.
Instead, Dr. Margot Sunderland – writer, psychologist and Director of Education and Training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London – encourages us to look at a crying baby or toddler and to imagine that they are saying “I need to be soothed!”.
The younger the baby, the more this is true. I was moved by the simple (and unscientific!) beauty of writer Louise Erdrich’s description of her take on early parenting. In The Blue Jay’s Dance, she writes “a baby must be weaned from its other body – mine”. This takes time. Keep breathing. It just takes time.
So what is a tired mama to do?
For more information:
http://www.aaimhi.org/inewsfiles/Position_Paper_1_updated.pdf Position statement from the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health, Inc regarding Controlled Crying
http://imhaanz.org.nz/~imhaanzo//sites/default/files/IMHAANZ%20Earthquake%20Letter%20APRIL.pdf (an open letter regarding sleep following a natural disaster – or trauma – from the Infant Mental Health Association of Aotearoa New Zealand)
Books:
The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland (also published as “What Every Parent Needs to Know”)
Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt
The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley
Originally published in Tots to Teens magazine, April 2014
Also available for download https://totstoteens.co.nz/parenting/sleep/crying/