An Open Letter to Dads Who Wish They Could Spend More Time with their Children.

To whom it May Concern,

Ngā mihi kia koe,

May I begin by saying what a treat it is to have heard from you.  Too many of the Dads who get in touch with me are seeking advice about how to spend less time with their children.  “How do I get the little blighters to play on their own?  To pipe down?  To quit the early morning wake-ups? To manage more (and more) of their own care?  Hurry up and learn to get your own drink of water, already!”

So you can imagine my delight that, instead, I’ve been asked to write for the Dads who are craving connection with their kids.  The fathers who are fighting for time together.  You are the men who are recognising that a rush to independence is unhelpful, and that a healthy family sees interdependence as a far wiser end goal.  Kia Ora, Daddies.  I see you.

This is a conversation worth having, and may I begin by offering a heart full of empathy to you.  It is a rare kind of pain, the yearning to be with our offspring, and it is made even more sharp and pointy when we experience it in the context of our current complex societal landscape.  Even when we’re snuggled within the comfort of our own four walls, there are contradictory socialised messages falling over one another to muddle our minds.  

Let me explain what I mean.  Back in the day, women and men had clear roles and defined expectations.  

Men: hunt.  Women: gather.  

Men: earn.  Women: nurture.  

Men: rubbish.  Women: cooking.  

But, humans being humans, we don’t like having our paths dictated to us, whether by spouses, bosses, or by the invisible forces of our culture.  All people appreciate having the freedom to decide how they will balance the professional and domestic, and all of us have the right to choose whether we’ll co-parent in a same-sex or opposite-sex partnership.

Some men want to work full-time, as do some women.  Some mothers would prefer to take on the lion’s share (lioness’ share?) of the child care, some dads would relish that role themselves.  Not many, though.  According to the “State of the World’s Fathers’ report published by MenCare – a global fatherhood campaign active in more than 35 countries: “There is no country in the world where men and boys share the unpaid domestic and care work equally with women and girls.”  Just sayin’, Dad.  So maybe there is some wiggle room to pick up a bit more of that role?

Meanwhile, as we contemplate negotiating the roles within our home/work lives, it mightn’t surprise you to learn that the research points toward a great many of us wanting to do some work, some domestic stuff, some child care.  A bit of a mixture of each.  This is true for both women and men.  

And Gentlemen, this has proven to be both a blessing and a curse.  It’s certainly wonderful to be in charge of one’s own reality, but as you might’ve read, research into decision making suggests that people are most satisfied when they are making choices between a limited range of options.  This current climate of “whatever works for you” can be a daunting place to start, and is likelier to leave us with feelings of dissatisfaction.  In a world where ‘anything goes’, surely something else might always be better?  After all, there are as many possible ways of organising family life as there are families! 

So move forward with an awareness of that.  Just know that a free-form dissatisfaction around the intensely personal and relentlessly practical decisions of how to divide the labour inside (and outside!) your house can possibly be attributed to society-at-large.  Thanks a lot, modern world!

But let’s dare to imagine, dear Dad, that all in your home have hashed out a mutually agreeable division of paid employment, child care, and domestic tasks.  Somehow, even with your personal best-case-scenario, you may find yourself longing for more time with your children.  

As popular parenting educator Nathan Mikaere-Wallis asked me to remind you, Father, “if you think you need more time with your kids, you’re probably right.”  He also wonders if more dads don’t just need to grant themselves permission to go for it in finding more ways to share time with their children.

Nathan gave me an example of a specific Dad in a small town who came to hear Nathan speak.  At the end of the talk, the Dad expressed his dissatisfaction in his relationship with his youngest child.  In a household made ever-busier by the roller coaster called life, this man could tell that this connection was suffering.  Nathan suggested he start by taking responsibility for the kindergarten run, one morning a week.  The dad’s work role as a plumber gave him the flexibility to ensure that Tuesday’s workday didn’t start till 9am.  It was an ongoing appointment with his kid.  

Last week, Nathan said, he returned to this town, several months later.  The Dad was back, and this time he told Nathan how blown away he was by how these shared experiences had built something they could stand on together, and how much warmer and easier the relationship now seemed.  Two important things happened here: the Dad’s action communicated to the child that time together was important.  Also, dropping the kid to kindy meant Dad got to know the routine, teachers and friends at kindergarten.  Research tells us that this is likely to help with continuity between home and the educational facility, which is associated with positive outcomes all round.  Win, win.  


OK, that’s a great idea.  Let’s summarise that:

• Look for opportunities to walk the kids to the bus, or drive them where they need to go.  Have a transportation ritual.  Whether or not you live in the same house as your child, heck: even if you’re a shift worker with an unpredictable schedule, by making sure you’re aware of the comings- and goings- of your whānau, you can look for opportunities to accompany each person to something or other in the course of a week or two.  

What else could be done to create more time together?   If you’re anything like my husband, dear reader, you might actually read the next bit: we’ve made it to the bullet points! 

• It can be really helpful to observe what you view as “time with your child”.  One of the most valuable things that any parent can do is to realise that care routines are the foundation of a relationship.  While it can be tempting to frame nappy changes, meal times or dressing as ‘the annoying stuff to burn through in order to get to the fun part’, the truth of the matter is that care routines are where it’s at.  Notice if you’re rushing through the process of putting on socks and gumboots because you’re busting to get to the playground (where the ‘real’ play, the ‘real’ relationship stuff happens).  Instead, realise that there is as much learning in putting on socks and gummies as there is in whooping it up on the slide.

• The world of neuroscience confirms for us that patterned behaviours build the strongest brain pathways.  For baby’s brain, having positive experiences when Dad helps me into (or out of!) my pyjamas  – for, let’s say, 10 minutes a day, five days a week – is every bit as valuable as the things we think of as “quality time”.  Things like trips to the beach or picnics at the park.  These repetitive caregiving experiences have real power in myelinating the neural networks that will associate Dad with safety, reliability and kindness.   The bonus is that while it can be quite a mission to organise picnics and such, the pyjama thing is an opportunity on offer every day.  It’s easy to weave a connected routine into what’s already happening.

• Have a think about what routine or routines you could accept responsibility for, at least most of the time.  And do your darndest to slow it down, this routine.  I mean, really slow it down.  Some dads bathe their kids in the evening, others are in charge of breakfast.  Do what works in your life.  And whatever it is, really indulge it. Set a timer, and allow yourself to zone into kid space as you indulge in what infant expert, the late Magda Gerber called “wants-something quality time”.   Take ten minutes to really focus your attention on your kid and the thing you’re doing together.  I mean: put the phone down, move away from the distraction of the telly, ask other family members to wait for your attention until the routine is over.  Explain what you’re up to.  Ask your child to assist.  Sing goofy songs.  You’re teaching so much about life, relationships, and the mana associated with genuine care.  You’ll exponentially multiply the value of your ten minutes. 

• Practicing this skill with babies will help you maintain this awareness as your family gets older, and everyone’s needs change.  In this way, you can see household chores as an opportunity for connection, even enjoyment.  Back to Nathan Wallis, who summarises: “Don’t do jobs, then have fun.  Instead: make jobs fun!”.  Nathan’s a tea-towel flick kinda guy. In my family of origin, emptying a dishwasher had to be done to music.  Do whatever works (as long as nobody breaks hearts, bones, or dishes!).  

• This habit will make us more willing to let a child’s play enter the family task.  As a dad who is keen to find more time with his children, you’ll get more bang for your buck in terms of feeling connected if you can play along with your kiddo’s interests.  This might mean you chat about the All Blacks while you fold laundry or gallop like ponies on the way to the letterbox.  My four year old’s current obsession with Scooby Doo just had us stack a load of firewood while doing the voices of the various characters.  I’m getting good at imitating Shaggy, my husband does a fine Fred.  

• If you still feel you’re missing out on time with your young ‘uns, then see if you can trade housework tasks with your co-parent.  Of course, some things aren’t conducive to simultaneously parenting – noisy, dangerous jobs with noxious fumes or sharp edges don’t lend themselves to baby care!  Other jobs are a natural extension of a humming domestic scene.  Perhaps you can trade stripping the spare-room wallpaper for cooking the dinner, mopping the kitchen, and folding the washing, all of which are an organic opportunity for child chats.  

• While recognising the need for time to ourselves, I also suggest taking a look for ways to involve your child in your passions or interests.  Taking into account developmental appropriateness and the age/stage of your children, you might find that your cherished alone-in-the-garage time is able to be shared.  Again, even if just for a focussed ten minute chunk.  Your toddler can muck around with a brush and shovel and feel like they’re sweeping up, a four year old could sort screws from nails, older kids might be ready for direct instruction.  I promise you, some day the house will be empty and you will have an effortless relationship with ‘me time’.  Consider hitting the pause button on that concept, at least for a while.  Controversial, or utterly pragmatic?    

• Be willing to let your kids surprise you in the ways they enjoy sharing time.  Your pink-clad little girl might be an enthusiastic attendee of the muscle-car show, while your blokey little boy is much keener to help out wrapping Christmas presents.  Go with it.  You may find more opportunities for connection if you take time to observe your children with brand new eyes.

In closing, may I thank you Dads anew for having reached out for back up around this important topic.  It is my profound hope that you will find more moments for connection in your every day.

With love,

your friend,

Miriam xx

Originally published in OHbaby! magazine, Issue 36, Summer 2016

Also available at https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/parenting/dad-matters/daddys-home-making-the-most-of-time-with-your-kids